Jokes I came across

Joke 1:
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out. When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but she's dead." Jim replied, "She's not dead, I put her there to dry."


Joke 2:

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Wow!," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent,thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang on to your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my Willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."Gee," says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the thing is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the shopkeeper an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately." "WHAT?!" the guy exclaims incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over" reported the parrot. "My God!" he says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..." "WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

Joke 3:

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown". Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks,"Are you Ok??" In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'".

Joke 4:

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Father'. The second one chirps up, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic lady says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence. The first three ladies all ask, Well...?" She replies, "My son is a 6' 2", hard-bodied stripper, and hung like a bull. When he walks into a room, everyone says, 'Oh, my God!'"

Joke 5:

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed, when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache". "Perfect," her husband said. " I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!

Joke 6:

(((RING)))) **Pick Up**

"Hello?" "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "
After a brief pause, Daddy says,
"But honey, you haven't got anUncle Paul "
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now" Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down
onthe table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommythat Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute" A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes onand ranaround screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But
I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause**
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"
... Is this 486-5731